Today, we met someone who has the kind of guts I'd like to see more of. Unfortunately, as per usual, the guts came along with a giant sack of stark-raving southern idiocy.
The incident ended with a Highway Emergency Response man (with chipped front teeth and the kind of hillbilly accent you wish only existed in the movies) saying,
"Well... Welcome to Knoxville."
This "welcoming" was given to us as a response to our encounter with a giant lunatic who just wanted to ask us a few questions... IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FREEWAY.
He sped passed the left side of our vehicle, which is where he noticed the bomb painted on the side. So, he zipped around in front of us, and began to slow down in the middle lane we were both in, and gradually was STOPPING THE BUS from being able to move. Our driver was honking the loud-ass air horn wondering why we were being brought to a standstill in the middle of the day in freeway traffic. As he rapidly slowed to a stop in front of our bus, our food crates fell over on top poor ol' Lil' Buddy.
"... I think his car broke down?" Lil' buddy said, hesitantly.
After a really intense minute or so, the man got out of his jeep to ask us the important question on his mind:
"Whatcha haulin?" he said, with stern, angry tone. He remained calm, but aggressive.
Our driver started screaming at him, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!?! WE'RE ON THE FUCKING FREEWAY!! GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY!!!"
He responded, "You have a BIG BOMB on the SIDE OF YOUR BUS. WHAT ARE YOU HAULIN'!!??"
Cars are speeding around us, swerving.
More yelling exchanged, but he assures us that "The police are coming. They're gunna take care of you. If you try and leave, I will STALK YOU DOWN. Just wait for the police, they'll take care of you."
Our driver started to try and drive away, and the motherfucker got in front of the bus during our lane change, and wouldn't move, so as we inched at him in the most intense game of MAN VS BUS 'chicken' I've ever seen in real life, we were now blocking two lanes of freeway traffic in the middle of the afternoon.
I Leaned out one of the windows and screamed at the guy to get the fuck out of the way, and that's when the Highway Emergency Response man showed up, lights flashing. He jumped out of his car, rightfully freaked the FUCK out about why a man looked like he was about to lose a fight with a bus. The Counter-Terrorism Vigilante Bus Fighter Super-Redneck Jeep Man confidently replied to me "See, there they are now. They'll take care of you." He then saluted the response man, even though he was barking at both parties:
"YOU pull over to the shoulder, and YOU pull over to the shoulder!!!!"
The frustrated and befuddled Emergency Response man was certainly wondering why he was in the middle of the freeway with a crazy driver of a big black bus screaming "THIS FUCKING GUY STOPPED US ON THE FREEWAY!!! WHAT THE FUCK, HE'S FUCKING CRAZY!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!" and wondering why an angry old man was yelling "THEY GOT A BIG BOMB ON THEIR BUS, YOU GOTTA CHECK THEM OUT!"
So he told the Counter-Terrorism Vigilante Bus-Fighter Super-Redneck Jeep Man to get in his car and go to the shoulder. So, he returned to his vehicle. And then drove right-the-fuck-off. He didn't even say goodbye, or stick around for his police-heroes to search our bus for the terrorists and bombs that were undeniably hidden somewhere inside. So, he never did find out the answer to his question which gave deep insight in to his profound, brave and challenging mind: "WHATCHA HAULIN."
The emergency response guy approached the bus, having surprisingly & essentially assessed what actually happened, and seemed ready to apologize for the existence of his entire state. He asked anyway, still a tad worked up and yelly, "Alright, now you ain't goin NOWHERE till I find out WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED!"
Our driver assured him in a sentence or two by yelling/rambling "We're a BAND and this MANIAC stopped us on the freeway asking what we had on the bus and wouldn't let us leave and then got in front of the bus and then and then and then!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Ok, ok ok ok. I'ma get ya'll outta here. Don't even worry about it. Just go on the shoulder, and I'll direct the traffic so ya'll can leave in just a second. Welcome to Knoxville."
He radioed in the license plate of the Counter-Terrorism Vigilante Bus Fighter Super-Redneck Jeep Man that he remarkably memorized in a few moments, and directed traffic so we could leave.
Counter-Terrorism Vigilante Bus Fighter Super-Redneck Jeep Man was likely armed, but none of us were about to fuck around and let this psychopath keep us in traffic much longer... the potential alternate endings for this situation are something to ponder.
I'm typing this at a "Love's" truck-stop in Alabama where the men's bathroom stall wanted me to "Call for good head. Any time. Whites only." I've been paying close attention to bathroom stall "graffiti." Apparently, it's where nazis learn to draw swastikas, and a lot of the time, it kinda resembles internet chat room arguments. Another favorite of mine was the following exchange, with each phrase having an arrow pointed at it so you knew which was being addressed:
"KILL OBAMA!"
*arrow* "Written by a redneck"
*arrow* "Written by a libral bitch!"
*arrow* "KILL OSAMA!" (with the "s" turned in to a "B" again by someone else)
Hahahahaha "libral."
I also read "I will never bow to your sheep god." followed by "That's why you'll burn forever!"
And now, Poogo eats and nearly dies from a hand-picked unidentified mushroom!
And some terrorbuscrew and I play a misfits cover in a corn field!
In his defense, yall do have a big bomb painted on the side of your bus. I imagine he was terrified. Poison has pictures of skulls on it, electrical boxes have little pictures of people zappin to death. It stands to reason that your bus really is after all, a bomb.
ReplyDeletei hear tennessee is beautiful this time a year.
ReplyDeletegoddammit hugo